It has been a month since my last blog entry and lot has changed !!
If you don't know , Last month I got hired full time at a TD Bank call center and have been in training for the last month , I have 3 weeks more weeks of training left.
It is going really good , at this job I actually feel valued .
Though my new job is going good , I have been going through a tough season/spiritual battle.
I got to keep it 100 , My Relationship With God is not great right now..
That is really hard for me to admit because I feel I have to keep a mask on because I am a leader in my Church, even though I don't have to .
Let me give you some backstory on how I got to the space I am in right now .
Back in September of last year , I went to a " ministers conference" with my pastor and after the first night of that " minister conference" , I got asked a question by a former bible college mate of mine, This question and the aftermath after that has crushed my soul and confidence.
The question I was asked , what have you done with your call ?
Only thing I could say was , not much , i guess .
Then he said , you really need to think about. that .
My pastor started to talk about it on the ride back , the convo went to maybe I was not called to be a pastor.
As soon I got home my wife gave me hug and I immediately balled by eyes out , it felt like a part of me died that night .
Then the following week i went to a basketball game at my pastors apt and to talk about my calling with a former pastor .
Thought I might get some answers but I left more confused and angry at God .
Disclaimer: I love my pastor and I really appreciate his honesty .
So I am in place were I am doubting God's wisdom , I am angry with God , and not sure if I can trust God again.
I afraid to dream or go after any of my dreams because I am afraid God will crush them, just like he did with what I thought was my calling in life .
I have come to terms I will never become a pastor or never preach again , I mean have to when God used my wife, my pastor , my college mate , and my mother in law that they see I am not meant to be a pastor.
But in another way , I have not come to terms that I am not called to be a pastor .
It is like trying to forget a bad memory but no matter what you do it never goes away.
The space I am right know is a son angry with his heavenly his father , Honestly God has broke my heart and soul .
I have been taking time in the last 9 months to sit in silence to see if God would speak to me and let me know why I am not called to be a pastor and why at the bible camp altar call when I was 16, I thought I heard him call to be a pastor , but no answer .
We did a 3 week fast my church and I fasted social media , I really seeked God but no answer .
I don't want anyone's pity or any advice , this is me venting my anger and sadness .
I am going to be looking into a Christian counseling , because as much I try , I can't let this hurt go .
So in closing, I know this season / battle won't last forever but I wish this season/battle never happened.
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